On Our Way

Man did we walk into the wrong bar last night. We were walking around the bar district and stumbled into this little hole in the wall place with 2 guys from Holland (the Dutch are fun). Anyway, gotta go, ouyr driver's here, but lets just say we had to pick girls out of a line-up and pay to leave. Scary. Ok, we're on our way home family and friends, see you soon!

The Wall

Today we hiked the Great Wall. We woke up at 5:30 (which after Shaolin was really no prob) and were ready to jump in the rickety tin-can hostel tour van by 6:30. Honestly I wasn't super excited on the way there; going to the Great Wall is just something you have to do when you're in China, I felt more or less obligated. I'd seen the pictures, it's a big wall, big deal.
I take it all back. The Wall was one of the most incredible things I've ever seen in my life. It's not just how long it goes for, or how old it is, or how it runs precariously along the ridge of a giant mountain range - it's the size of the wall itself in the desolate countryside. I mean this thing was built like half a millenium ago (I think) and the walls are 100ft high in places and many of the stones are bigger than me. Needless to say it's pretty awe inspiring and we were very excited once there.
Right away Beau and I got picked out by two "Mongolian Farmers" turned tourguides/skeezy swindlers (our actual tour guide accomplished the impressive feat of losing all 10 poeple in the group she was supposed to be guiding). After hiking up and down between about 10 towers they suggested we take a shortcut they knew to the wire bridge. Being the intreped fools we are we quickly agreed and found ourselves walking down the mountain on a goat trail away from the wall. Real smart. This is when normal people's common sense kicks in they go back to the group. Obviously no such luck for the two of us. We followed these two psuedo-farmers deeper into the Chinese countryside until the wall was completely out of sight and we were walking through small villages with stone huts and donkeys. Once we were fully disoriented and competely incapable of finding our way back to the wall or civilization the two supposed guides turned to us and stated very matter-o-factly: "You buy souvenir now or we go home." Ha! And we thought we had gotten too smart to be duped into shelling out cash for stuff we didn't want! Well, obviously having no choice we agreed to buy something off the old billygoats so that they'd lead us back to the wall. Two lucky people back in the States will be getting Great Wall picture books as heartfelt presents from us.
Still, as in the case of the 300 dollar tea party, the experience far outweighed getting tricked out of a few bucks. Still, I can see why the Chinese built that wall to keep those damned Mongolian farmers in their own country. Dirty crooks.
Back in Beijing again we walked around and decided to go swing by the fresh air market we've been avoiding since we got here. Beau was super stoked on the exotic food they had there. Here he is trying to convince a Canadian lady that the scorpion is delicious. Really.
We've got a couple good videos recently - I'm going to try'n upload them but I'm not sure if it's gonna work. If it does, check 'em out! If not check back because I'm bound to get it eventually...

Last Day in Shaolin, Back to Beijing

This is the oldest pagoda in the Shaolin cemetary (for lack of a better word). It was built in the 700's and hundreds of thousands of people attended the funeral of the first (I think?) abbot.
It was hard to leave Shaolin Temple. They offered me a monk-ship on account of my ridding them of the curse of the banshee and restoring peace to the land. I told them sadly that all good things must come to an end, and there are people back home who need me even more than they do. Beau was even harder to get to leave- I actually got rid of the banshee by hooking him up with her. He said it was true love.
Really though the last day at Shaolin was awesome. We got the day off from training and Ming (the happiest monk in the world pictured in the chairlift next to the most disgruntled lift-worker in the world) showed us around. Turns out me and Beau are heavier than most Chinese, even with my twig-like physique, and we crashed through the foliage the chairlift is intended to gently glide over on the way to the top of the mountain. The views from Songyang peak were incredible, but unfortunately it was too foggy for any of the pics to really came out.
Later in the day we got the honor of eating lunch with the monks. We both agreed it was the best meal we've had since we got to China. Also the chanting and ceremony of the whole thing was unreal; just so communal and seemed almost utopian. The hospitality of the monks - Jay, Ming, the Head Master and everyone - has been incredible. They really did make us feel welcome and at home when we were actually as far from our homes as it's possible to get.
Now we're back in Beijing in the luxurious Peking International Hostel, drinking beer and eating pizza. It's not that we didn't learn anything from the monks, and it's not that we don't care, it's just that pizza and beer are delicious. Especially after a week of "Masterfully Mixes the Mountain Herbs" and "The Eggplant Cooks the Pheonix Foot."
It is amazing the little things you appreciate once you've been deprived of them for awhile. I had the best shower of my life when I got here, hot with good pressure and a geisha to get at those hard to reach back areas (obviously just kidding, geishas are Japanese, she was just a hooker) ((still obviously kidding, sorry Cory, I think I have tourettes of the fingers)).
Tomorrow we go to the Great Wall. When we asked how to get there the employees at Peking said just follow the yellow-spit road. Seriously there's more phlem on the sidewalk here than at a '50s baseball game. We should get some cool pictures tomorrow though, and we're still having a blast.

Shaolin - 6th Night

These are probably the three coolest guys you could ever meet. From the Left: Master Ming, Head-Master, and Master Jay. For the final session tonight the three of them came to Beau's room (which in itself is a great honor) and taught us how to harvest our che, which might be the first legal thing I've ever harvested. Turns out this hasn't been about beating people up (mostly them beating us up) at all. Shaolin kung-fu is a discipline of the mind and spirit even more-so than the body. They showed up breathing techniques and movements to do in the morning to harness one's che to have more energy and better health throughout the day. It was pretty far out. Kinda hard to clear your mind of all thought with those three standing right next to you listening to you breath though.
Tomorrow we're going up the mountain in the gondola (my little mishap managed to get us out of running up there, silver lining don'cha know) and then having lunch with the monks in the temple where Jay has told us we're not to speak. Probably a wise move on his part.
Lots of pics tomorrow.

Shaolin Day 5/6

Remember when your parents used to tell you to finish your food cause there were starving kids in China? Well, it's true, and we are those kids. I'm gonna use whatever kung-fu I learn here to mug the first person I see in America with pizza or a cheeseburger. We've been doing the same old, training with the monks, up before dark, the usual. Beau's actually off training with the head-master at the moment, I on the other hand, can't walk one my left leg thanks to Ming's ruthless stretch routine combined with the carelessness of a cleaning lady and my own clumsiness (long, humiliating story). I'll have more to put on here later in the day - gonna try to take the camera into the afternoon session if Jay will let us (we haven't been able to yet). I don't know what this headmaster guy looks like, but I'm betting he's a big dude with a face you could split wood with.
Here's me getting ready to take out a coat rack and a cool bird that's really common here. Anyone know what it's called?

Shaolin - Day 4

Ah, the clandestine life of a monk. ...I wasn't going anywhere with that. I just like to use big words with simple meanings. Makes me feel smart.
Jay and Ming have really been kickin' the crap out of us, making good use of their limited time. We told Jay we'd been running to get ready for this for the past few months (which I guess Beau really has, I was totally lying) and he just smiled and shook his head and said "Running is just for getting warm." And it's scary because he fully believes that, which is probably why he doesn't understand why we look like Night of the Living Dead after he has us run up the side of the mountain before actually getting into anything hard.
We had a pretty cool session the other day in which Jay blindfolded us and had us attack sounds he made around the room. I'm sure we looked like complete jackasses kicking and punching wildly in different directions (not to mention getting smacked with a stick/board when we were too slow) but it was pretty cool all the same. Beau messed up one time too many and had to eat his rice at the kiddie table. He was pissed.
Speaking of looking like jackasses we're on our way to becoming the most photographed people in China. I can't decide if it's because they think we look weird, or out of place, or weird and out of place...the fact that we're two white people (giving Beau the benefit of the doubt) covered in sweat walking out of the Shaolin Temple could have something to do with it too. Of course it could just be that we're studs. That's what I'm going with.
Ok, that's it for today, but a parting word of advice: Never order vermicelli noodles in China. I don't know what they gave me but it was neither noodles nor was it edible. Looked like pressure treated mucus and had the consitancy of a waterlogged baseball glove. Goodnight.

Shaolin - Day 3

Ouch. It's starting to get pretty intense. Starting full out training at 6 every morning and finishing up around 9:30 every night. Master Ming (that'd be the mystery monk from before) seems determined to snap my hamstrings before this is over. I've become petrified of stairs because my quads have been rendered more or less useless by the stinking horse stance. Beau sweats like 4 gallons per session. I should have brought galoshes for training next to him. We are learing a lot though, and when it doesn't hurt worse than everything holy it actually feels pretty good. I figured we were probably at about the 4 year old level but Beau said he saw a 4 year old spinning on his head and kicking in all directions yesterday......I bet I could take him.
When we haven't been training we've gotten to take in a bit of the area surrounding the temple. We walked through what I guess passes for a cemetery for Shaolin abbots (head monk) - it was basically a forest of enormous stone spires reaching around 40ft in height. Pretty crazy. Through the permanent haze that hangs in these mountains (we haven't decided if it's just always cloudy here or if even the country in China is dirtier than Jersey) ((ok, not that dirty, sorry China)) an open pavilion and giant stone buddha are sometimes visible on one of the distant peaks. We asked Jay about them and he told us not to worry, we'd get to run up there during training one day. Swell.
Apparently one of the head masters here in ancient times stood meditating for 9 years facing that mountain and the stone that he was facing now has his shadow imprinted on it and is sitting in one of the temples. 9 years is pretty impressive considering I'm already getting impatient just writing this.
The food's really good but Beau says the spare ribs weren't so tasty on their way back up. Hope everyone's doing well back at home, family and friends.

Shaolin - Day 1 (Cont.)

The last post was more on how we got here and then a brief overview of what we've done since we've been here. Let me see if I can paint a more detailed picture of life as (an extremely watered down version of) a Shaolin monk.
We woke up this morning at 5 am. There's no heat in our hotel and it's definitely almost winter time in this mountainous region of China. It's probably around 45 to 50 in our rooms. I thought the water was pretty much unheated and took a cold shower in a cold room (turns out I'm retarded and Beau took a nice hot shower in his room). Oh, although there are two large beds in each room we had to get two separate rooms since we're here representing the temple.
So after that we stumbled out of the hotel into complete blackness on the side of a mountain. Somehow we navigated our way down a ton of stone steps not being able to see anything and made it to the wide stone road that leads to the temple. We ran there to get warmed up (literally) and then waited by these ancient stone lion pillars for Jay. Jay and another monk whose name I unfortunately don't know solidified out of the shadows running full tilt and yelled "Beau, run!" So we ran. We ran up the side of the mountain still in pitch black night behind the two monks. At one point Jay stopped short and held out his arms. There were two dogs growling at us, blocking the way, but with a few claps of his hands Jay got the possibly rabid animals to sit obediently on the roadside until we passed. Probably the best decision those dogs ever made.
Since then we've been working mainly with the unnamed monk with Jay looking on. He started us with horse stance (which has made it nearly impossible for me to climb stairs at this point) and throughout the day has forced us to commit a sequence of at least 10 moves to memory. In the three training sessions we've had so far (the first on the side of the mountain while the sun came up, the second in an all-wood temple made without a single nail, the third on the second floor of said temple) the monk has shown me how I could easily be killed by varying an inch in technique (darn monk scuffed up my shoes and tried to kick me in the nuts) enough for me to twist my ankle around 180 degrees no matter how bad it hurts. Tough love.
Now we're back, waiting in our respective rooms (yeah, internet in the room but no heat) for Jay and the other monk to come and get us for our final session of the day at 8 pm. He told us to eat an early dinner. I'm not wasting my money when I know those two are going to make me puke anyway.
I complain in a lame attempt to be funny, but really wouldn't it be kind of disappointing if training at the Shaolin Temple wasn't incredibly hard? Well, it is, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Shaolin - Day 1

Beau was pulled aside by airport security because he didn't realize that having a huge knife in his luggage might not be ok. When the guard asked him what he had it for Beau replied nonchalantly "picking my teeth." They showed how impressed they were by confiscating his knife and running a cross check on him via Interpol. In the end we got through security alright but Beau doesn't know how he's going to sleep at night without old Sharpie.

On the way to the airport we saw people doing tai-chi in the morning light. Beijing is known for its tai-chi as Shaolin is known for it's kung-fu. There was an old man running with a broom handle held in his hands, another slowly moving between stances on a dilapidated alter, a woman walking backwards down a roadside path. Pretty cool.

We've been at the Shaolin Temple for about a day give-or-take and are both pretty roughed up from the two training sessions we've had so far (one at 6 am and one at 9 am). Our guide/master is a 22 year old monk named Jay (aka the Hungry Monk) who seems like he's already wiser than anyone I know. When we walk around with him we get treated like royalty - the seas of onlookers seriously part for this guy where ever he goes. Maybe the fact that he could kick most people's heads off before they could blink has something to do with that. He brought us all around the Temple and let us go into places visitors are not normally allowed to go, like within an arm's length of the largest jade Buddha in China. This place is amazing - the mountains, the buildings, the statues, the culture, the people - it's like nothing we've ever experienced.

So, anyway, we're half-way through the first day and doing well, not Keano Reeves in the Matrix well (whoa, I know kung-fu), but pretty well for lanky oblong foreigners.

Slap of the Tongue

It has come to my attention that posting sexually derogatory words on a blog that can be read by basically anyone may not be the best idea, so just know that when I say gay I mean it as synonymous with lame pretty much. Who am I to talk anyway I'm going to live in the mountains with a bunch of dudes for a week. So don't be offended by any slips of the tongue (fingers), that's just gay.

Smog, Dogs and....Dinosaurs?

The inexperienced China visitor will at first conclude that either (a) it's common practice for doctors to wander out onto the street in Beijing mid-op or (b) there's an inpending tear gas riot about to kick off. The sad truth and reason for the absurd amount of dust masks worn by the general populace is that the level of air pollution in this city is staggering. After a day in the downtown area my nose hairs have started growing nose hairs. I smell like I've been working at a gas station all month. It's a bit unnerving. Beau's been combatting the smog and keeping his strength up by eating a lot of dog...I think maybe he's starting to like it a bit too much, he bit a stray when we were just walking around earlier.
We spent most of today just walking around the city and rubbing shoulders with the locals. In the market we both got dragged around by our arms to different shops where cartoon keychains were pushed on us rather forcefully. We tried our best to explain that cartoon keychains are lame and gay in our culture and that we'd be beat up when upon returning home should we purchase them. They either didn't understand or care...probably both. I got Strawberry Shortcake on a leash.
We did go to an awesome music shop (I couldn't figure out how to turn the picture upright) with Chinese guitars and banjos. I jammed for a bit with the employees who were obviously impressed by my skills. Then an artist walked with us for awhile and brought us to his "office" (store) where he drew out our names and told us there meanings. Beau it seems means "powerful" while Ezra means "a handsome gentleman who will live a peaceful life and be loved by everyone." I liked that guy. Too bad he got angry when we didn't buy anything.
Later on we went to the Temple of Heaven but had to leave because the place was swarming with triceritops.

Tomorrow we head to Zhengzhou where the Hungry Monk is meeting us to bring us to the Shaolin Temple. We'll see how funny I think I am by tomorrow night.

Forbidden City

We spent the better part of yesterday hiking around inside the Forbidden City (that's the entrance with yours truly standing in front of it) which is actually an enormous network of temples, palaces, and sprawling stone courtyards that everyone except the Emporer's family and servants were forbidden from entering for a couple hundred years. It was really amazing inside. Although the entire place is self-contained it literally is an entire city. There were dozens of temples, alley ways, and hidden rooms all containing ancient sculptures, weapons, and other works of art. A river full of coy fish and trash bags wound through the grounds under stone bridges and there was a huge garden area in the back with sculpted river stone and huge old trees everywhere (that's where the picture of Beau doing his best to look like a douche bag American was taken).

We did find a lot of interesting stuff in the various temples turned tourist traps. An equatorial gilded golden thing with the Earth, Moon, and Sun all in their respective celestial positions that was made in the 1400s. A big statue of a Drurtle which apparently isn't just a mis-pronounced Jewish kid's toy in China. A huge collection of medieval armor from Spain. It was definitely sweet.

Finally we left the Fobidden City, completely exhausted, and made our way back to the hostel. Along the way we were accosted by several different groups of Chinese girls, one of which tried to entice us with seasame balls (?). They all invited us to go to bars and restuarants but we'd learned our lesson from our little 300 dollar tea party the day before and politely declined. Not to mention the questionable red areas around most of these chicks mouths; "It's just a cold sore, I swear." should be required English for most of these girls.

Today we're going to be making out way to the Sun Temple and preparing ourselves for going to the Shaolin Temple tomorrow (by which I mean not drinking). Hope everything's going well back in the States.

Jet Lag, 100 Teas, and a guy named Peace

Getting onto the plane itself was fairly uneventful except for the drug sniffing K9 they had patroling the on-ramp of the plane. Luckily it seems that if drugs are inside your stomach in condom baggies they don't give off any smell. Still that dog did make us nervous, if only there was some way to get bvack at his species while we're here in China, some delicious way...

The flight was long and cramped and everything we thought it would be.

In Beijing we got a cab from the airport (our driver spending most of his time using the right shoulder as a lane, veering wildly when a car actually happened to be broken down there) to Peking International Hostel. The hostel is great, super cheap and really nice with an outdoor courtyard at it's center. Now after taking an 18 hour flight to the other side of the world most reasonable people would rest for a bit to get their bearings. Fortunately neither of us are very reasonable.

Beau and I left about a half hour after arriving (8:30pm here or so, 7:30am our time) and wandered into downtown Beijing (one of many as I understand it) which was lit up like Time Square. After aimlessly gawking at everything for a bit we were appraoched by a guy (yes, a Chinese guy) who said his name was Peace and he was an English teacher with his two students, Ina and another young girl who's name we didn't get. Somehow we ended up getting swept up into a little room with dozens of teas in glass jars where we were given traditional Chinese tea service for the next 3 hours. The entire time Peace was super hospitable - almost like he owned the place (which come to think of it...) - asking me questions ranging from how many siblings I have to what my state's flower was. By the end of the ceremony this guy knew more about Beau and I than we do. Then the inevitable bill arrived and we realized we just spent somewhere between 200-300 US on tea. Looking back though the experience was certianly worth it.

Anyway, we're headed into the Forbidden city today. There will be pictures and more posted later on tonight.

Night Before Take-Off

I've never actually had a blog before but now seems like as good a time as any to start one. Actually now is probably a better time than ever before to start one since tomorrow my buddy Beau and I leave for China where we're going to be training in the Shaolin Temple for a week. No one (myself included) seems to know what to make of this so a couple people asked me write about it while I was there...so here we are. Most likely this'll be a cronicle of me getting my butt kicked all over the place by a bunch of bald Chinese guys but, hey, that should be good reading for everyone else.

Honestly I have no idea what expect at this point, but I am excited and just dumb enough to think I'll do just fine at the world's most elite kung-fu temple, so this should be a lot of fun.

We fly out in the morning, I'll try to write again when we get land in Beijing.